


like an old ruin (make sense of me)

by thehollowones



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Asexuality Spectrum, Emotional Constipation, Families of Choice, Internalized Acephobia, Oops, Other, Panic Attacks, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Sexuality Crisis, wrote an entire fic about asexuality without saying the word
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23269201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehollowones/pseuds/thehollowones
Summary: Poe's ex joins the Resistance. He's handling it extremely well, you guys.
Relationships: Poe Dameron & Karé Kun
Kudos: 11





	like an old ruin (make sense of me)

_“Do you wanna know something dumb? Like dumb, dumb?” Jess asked, slumped so far over their table that strands of her hair were skimming the surface of her drink._

_“Dumb is good.”_

_“Dumb_ is _good! Okay, so you know how my mom is the worst and I hate her and she’s all ‘your whole identity is a phase, Jessika’-”_

_Poe did know. He would have said so, but the bar was loud and Jess’ wrists looked very fragile and he was wondering why this made him sad._

_“But like, when I smashed up my ankle and I was on all those drugs and it was really quiet and you had all fucked off… and I knew she would just make me mad but I was like,_ damn _I want my mom.”_

_Poe found this incredibly profound. He dug around in his brain for something equally weighty to share._

_“I dated someone once,” Poe said. Jess looked at him blearily, holding up her head with both hands. “Never doing that shit again.”_

_Jess’ forehead made a hollow sound when it hit the table._

_-_

“Alright, fearless leader. Where are you fearlessly leading us today?”

Poe took his time scraping the tines of his fork against his plate. Then he started on his knife, just to be irritating. “Today, kids, I am leading you to conference room C for manual navigation recertification.”

Everyone groaned except Finn, who was exempt from being led. He chewed his toast with extra smugness.

“How about you lead us back to bed instead?” asked Snap, followed quickly by “shut _up_ , Pava!”

Poe liked to sit with his back to the wall. This was a preference, not a symptom – no matter what articles BB-8 had been reading in his downtime – and as a result of this long-standing and oft-complained-about preference, he had a clear sightline to the caff entrance.

His body cycled through Panic Symptoms 1, 2 and 3 before his brain registered what was happening. First came the full-body heat wave, followed closely by a tingling numbness in his hands and feet, and then he came unmoored from his body.

If Poe had ever been successfully cornered by a psych, he would have told them that it wasn’t like floating on the ceiling and looking down at himself. It was more like he was a few inches higher than his body, or a few inches to the left or just nowhere in particular. The caff would be a good place to corner him, if any psych were so inclined. The only entrance was also the only exit. Now all he could do was wait and watch and hope Panic Symptom 4 would allow him a decent head start before making its presence known.

(He _told_ the General the caff needed another egress. Unfortunately, he had called it an “escape route” and she just stared at him until he backed away).

Poe stood up abruptly. He knocked his hip against the table and stumbled and people were staring but the door was clear and _he_ wasn’t looking and Poe –

Poe was outside, apparently. Thank you to Panic Symptom 4 (completely blanking out) and a heartfelt ‘fuck you’ to Panic Symptom 5 (crying messily) because his nose was running, and he didn’t have a tissue.

Snap handed him a tissue.

“Poe, buddy, I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but you’re safe. You’re outside the base, sitting on the ground. Uh – you can feel the wind and the grass under your butt and you’re shaking your head at me.”

“Right. Well, Jess and I are here. And there are hundreds of people back at base and we’re all looking out for you. Okay, still with the head shaking.”

No matter what his brain had to say, Poe was aware that he wasn’t actually dying. Dying would be so much better. Because he had definitely done more embarrassing things, but he couldn’t remember when and his heart was pounding and he was crying, crying, crying soundlessly and it was all so _stupid_.

“Poe, I’d really like to hug you,” said Jess, “but if you don’t want me to, just say so or punch me or whatever. Here goes.”

Jess sat down and warily scooted over until they were sitting side by side, then turned and wrapped her arms around his torso, resting her chin on his shoulder. He had to stop shaking his head or risk dislodging her.

They sat together for a long time. His eyes closed, Poe felt his panic abate, replaced by bone-deep exhaustion.

“He was in the caff,” Poe said.

“I don’t know much,” Snap said carefully, “but I know Kylo Ren was not in the cafeteria.”

“Not him. Other him.” Words were difficult, so Poe waved his hand in Snap’s direction. This probably made the same amount of sense.

Thunder burbled in the distance. The wind was blowing Jess’ hair across his face, making his skin itch.

“Okay, so, our plan of attack. Jess will use her freakishly cold hands to de-puff your eyes – ow, Jess – and we’ll take you back to your bunk, reputation intact.”

“But manual navigation – “

“Boss,” Jess said firmly, “I _know_ you know how to use a compass. Everyone knows. It’s a compass.”

-

_Karé was the cleverest, most bad-ass person in the galaxy, but she was also a cranky loth-cat. A Karé in direct sunlight was the happiest sort of Karé and, as her best friend and self-appointed Karé-wrangler, Poe tried to prod her outside whenever they had a minute to breathe._

_Minutes to breathe were hard to come by at the Academy._

_It was early enough that the grass was damp with dew. Poe skimmed his fingers through it, leaning not-quite-too-far-but-almost off the picnic table._

_“Poe?”_

_“Hmph?”_

_“You like him, yeah?”_

_“Hmph.”_

_“And you like dating him?”_

_Poe lifted his head, feeling shivery. Like a spider was crawling inside his stomach._

_“Don’t wanna date anyone else. So.” He wriggled himself back onto the table._

-

Someone was running their hand up and down his arm. He was sweaty and groggy, and his mouth was dry, but the arm thing was nice. Probably the sort of thing he should open his eyes about.

He opened one eye.

“Karé?” Definitely worth it. “Karé, hi.”

She frowned. “I’ve been out risking my life, saving the galaxy and looking fabulous and you’re napping.”

“I’m tired. And everything is awful, and I hate it and my brain hurts.”

BB-8 whirred to life, beeping angrily. Karé put her hand atop his head to stop him from spinning in circles. “It’s alright, BB.”

[Friend-Poe is sad. Friend-Poe will be avenged! BB-8 will light them all on fire!]

It was more adorable than alarming. Poe hauled himself upright and opened both eyes. He could see Karé properly now, her hair still wet from the fresher, and his vengeful little droid and Finn hovering in the doorway, letting all the light in.

“No one’s setting anyone on fire. Finn, you can come in. You know Karé?”

“We just met,” Karé said. “I scared the hell out of him banging on your door. It’s the start of a beautiful friendship.”

Finn flicked the overhead light on and hovered a few feet closer. Poe’s attempt at an encouraging smile seemed to alarm him.

“I didn’t know Poe had a roommate. You were still knocked out when I left. But it’s nice to see you awake and ambulatory.”

“Thanks. Uh, is BB-8 okay?”

“BB-8 needs to stop overcharging because it makes him feisty. If I let go, are you going to be cool?” Karé let go of BB-8’s head and waited. He bumped gently into her. “I love you too, you menace.”

“Poe, are you okay?”

When it came to Finn, Poe’s number one goal was to ensure his happiness. Unfortunately, his other number one goal was to never ever lie to him. Obfuscation might have been allowed if there was any wiggle room in Poe’s current state. There was a definite lack of wiggle room.

“No, buddy, not really.” They sat listening to BB-8’s remorseful whirring.

“Will Househusbands of Corellia help?” asked Karé.

“When does it _not_?”

Karé jumped into action with laser focus. She turned down the lights, kicked discarded clothes around to clear BB-8’s designated projecting spot and poked at Poe until he shuffled over to make room. Then she looked on her works and sighed happily. “Finn, will you watch with us?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Are you sure? Because I’m happy to drag Poe back to mine. The trick is to use the blankets as a sled and tug him down the hallway.”

“I’m sure,” said Finn, looking alarmed again. “What exactly are we watching?”

“The worst thing imaginable. I love it so damn much.” Karé’s expression was gleeful in the reflected glow. Poe watched her watch the show and tried not to think.

-

_Because he was kind, actually, when he was paying attention. Because he had the most beautiful smile. Because it wasn’t like you could expect emotional maturity from twenty-year-olds. Because he made Poe feel sort of panicked when they were in the same room, but Poe sketched his face over and over in his lecture notes._

_Because he was respectful, mostly. No means no and all that, even if he did get annoyed and say hurtful things. Because he apologized for the hurtful things. More or less. Because Poe was a pretty terrible boyfriend. Because he didn’t mind that Poe was a terrible boyfriend. Because he introduced Poe to his roommate as ‘the best pilot in the whole damn Academy’ and it made him feel indescribably light for days on end._

_Because he wouldn’t be hurt when Poe broke up with him._

_Because he broke up with Poe, who tried his best to feel devastated but only felt relieved._

-

“Do they have the Talk in the First Order?”

“Do they… do we talk? What?” Finn was rummaging distractedly through the crate of turnips. Sorting turnips into good, bad and disgusting wasn’t in either of their job descriptions. But Poe had haggled for and transported these turnips himself and had taken a proprietary interest in them.

He also wanted an excuse not to make eye contact right about now.

“No, _the_ Talk. Capital ‘T’. Like, when two or more sentient beings love each other very much – “

“Oh, sex? I have heard of it, yes.” He could hear Finn’s smile. It did nothing to loosen the horrible knot in his chest. Poe tossed a mouldering turnip into the ‘disgusting’ pile.

“Why are you asking?”

The thing was, Finn wasn’t a kid. He was smart and brave and could ask his own questions if he had them, but what happened when Finn didn’t even know what he didn’t know? Like when Snap brought out his guitar and Finn had turned to Poe, beaming, and said ‘I’ve never _seen_ someone play guitar before’ and had sat enraptured through every song, including a wailing ballad of Snap’s own composition that rhymed “warm eyes” with “soft thighs” and made Poe want to claw his eardrums out.

Finn was his friend. Poe couldn’t just cover his ears and run away screaming, no matter how much he wanted to.

“Just…you know you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, right? And if someone says, or like implies, or tries to make you feel like you _have_ to say yes,” Poe’s voice wavered embarrassingly, and he stopped to clear his throat.

Poe was holding a turnip up at eye-level, examining it for signs of rot. Finn was leaning to one side like he was trying to see around it.

“I know that,” Finn said gently.

“Good. That’s good.” Poe had been looking at turnips for far too long. His eyes were stinging. “Can you sort these last few? I just remembered I have a thing.”

“Poe – “

He didn’t cover his ears and run. But he did walk very quickly.

-

_Kes always tells the story like so: one day, when Poe was eight years old, he stomped home from school and announced that he was never, ever getting married._

_“But won’t you be lonely?”_

_No, of course he wouldn’t. Poe would play with his friends._

_“But what about when your friends get married?”_

_Poe thought about this, his small face serious, chin in hand. “I guess I’ll have to play with you.”_

-

Karé was sitting cross-legged on his bunk, picking at the label on her bottled drink. She seemed unusually thoughtful. Poe kept one hand on the door. She was fast, but if he got enough of a head-start…

“So, intel has some new recruits,” she said. Poe sat down beside her. He was too tired to run anyways. Physically tired, tired of feeling, tired of his feelings making other people feel things. He stared across at Finn’s empty bed as she eyed him.

“Yeah. Saw him in the caff.”

“Hm. Do you want me to beat him up?”

“ _No_ , Karé, gods. It’s not like that.” He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, blocking everything out.

“What’s it like?” The bedsprings protested as Karé shuffled over to tug at his wrists. “Poe, tell me what it’s like.”

Karé wasn’t using even a third of her strength. Poe let her drag his arms down but kept his eyes shut tight. “You’re ridiculous,” she said fondly.

Karé held both his hands as he tried to breathe past the lump in his throat.

“I just feel –“ scared, embarrassed, sad, lonely, ashamed, wrong. “I feel stupid.”

“Why?”

Poe’s hands were starting to sweat. He let go of Karé and got up, avoiding her gaze. Poe tried pacing but his room was too small for him to develop a comforting rhythm. He ended up wedging himself into the corner by Finn’s bed. He drew his knees up to his chest and felt the wall at his back. All the while, Karé was watching him.

“I don’t want to date anyone.”

“That’s okay,” Karé said.

“It’s _not_.” Poe was tugging painfully at his hair. “It’s not. Look, you’re my best friend. And I’m your best friend, I think, and if you meet a nice girl, I’ll be so happy for you, I promise…but it won’t be the same anymore. And I don’t want to – I’m trying not to be selfish, but I want to matter. I tried, Karé, but it felt like my skin was being scraped off and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t.”

Karé sat down on the floor. She was just far enough away that he could make a break for it without touching her. It was a kind gesture, but Poe still felt trapped.

“Will you look at me, please?” He wanted to. He didn’t. “Poe, nobody gets to say how much you matter to me except me. I love you so much. I don’t ever want you to feel – “

Poe looked up. Karé’s eyes were filling with tears. He scrambled closer to her. “Hey, no, it’s okay.”

“I should have said something back then,” Karé said, her voice muffled by his shoulder. “You seemed so unhappy and I didn’t know what to do. I’m really sorry.”

They sat in an uncomfortable half-hug until Poe’s legs went numb. Karé swiped at her face as they separated.

“I’ll always, always love you, okay? As much as anyone can promise anything, I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

As much as anyone can promise anything. Karé could die tomorrow, or Poe could, or both of them. Maybe it was a failure of his imagination, but Poe had never been afraid to die. There were far worse things to fear.

“And no more keeping things from me, or I’ll kick your ass.”

Like Karé.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is brought to you by 1. the time I watched On Chesil Beach and then cried for an hour; and 2. social distancing. I love you all, be safe.


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